They say up to 90 percent of our communication with one another is nonverbal — but is he getting the right message? Sometimes what’s in your heart and mind doesn’t come across in your body language. When dating and mating, it’s important to make sure your body language is as sharp as your conversation skills.
From first impressions to first dates, a smile can be worth a thousand words. A smile conveys warmth and friendliness, and helps put the other person at ease. Eye contact is another body language biggie — direct eye contact shows your respect for the other person, as well as your interest in him. In fact, if you want to show a man you’re really into him, look deeply into his eyes as he speaks to you. Trust me — he just might forget what he was saying! To catch the interest of a guy who you’re not on a date with (yet!), catch his eye and smile. Then look away. Hold his gaze the next time you glance over.
Other signs that convey your attraction include leaning toward a person, tossing your hair (not playing with it), crossing your legs, and lightly touching your arm or your neck. When people are really attracted to each other, they often lick their lips.
If you’re wondering about him, similar rules apply. Some signs to watch out for? Fidgeting, crossing his arms across the chest, and darting eyes are all signs of indifference or worse. If he can’t stop scoping the room, it’s probably best to move on!
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Being submissive in bed can be highly erotic. When you actively surrender to your partner, sex becomes sensational. You’re at the mercy of your man’s touch — and not knowing what’s next can make sex more intense and exciting.
Your arousal is heightened when you give up all the control — especially if you’ve ever fantasized about being taken charge of in bed. Set the scene: Close your eyes and imagine being ravaged by your partner, a sexy stranger, anyone — just get lost in your own delicious fantasy.
Then let your partner in on your secret. Of course, don’t tell him if you’ve been fantasizing about someone else (that’s for your own personal inspiration), but do tell him you want to be totally under his control. Believe me, he’ll be thrilled with his new authority! You can lay down some ground rules if you’d like. Will you be tied up? Should he tease you? Think about what you want out of the experience and then let him take the wheel. Even better, let him surprise you right from the get-go — you’ll both love it!
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It may be hard to believe, but did you know that we need stress to survive? It’s true. In small doses, even high stress can be good for the body. Stress triggers our natural fight-or-flight response, releasing energizing endorphins into the brain, sharpening our memory, and boosting our resistance to disease and infection. Hectic or stressful times are also what make the more peaceful moments so enjoyable. For instance, meeting a crazy deadline allows you that afterglow of accomplishment, while handling a difficult situation with poise reveals strengths you may not have discovered otherwise.
But while occasional stress can be invigorating, chronic stress takes its toll on your body and mind. Too much pressure and too little reprieve allow the body’s stress response to last longer than it was intended. The long-term effects can include impaired immune function, a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, and depression. And it’s no surprise that sex tends to become infrequent or nonexistent when one or both partners experience chronic stress. When you’re fighting an overloaded mind and a worn-out body just to stay on top of things each day, it’s easy to let sex fall to the bottom of the list.
Examine your day-to-day life to identify what’s causing your chronic stress. Maybe you’re responsible for caring for an elderly parent, are in an unhappy relationship, or simply worry too much about the small stuff. Then make it a priority to figure out ways to better cope with whatever’s stressing you. Your health — and your sex life — depend on it.
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You’ve just had sex with your partner. You’re feeling lost in the afterglow. But when you get up to go to the bathroom, there’s blood on the toilet paper — and you’re nowhere near your period. You’re immediately panicked, fearfully wondering what could be wrong.
Spotting after sex can occur for a variety of reasons, so it’s important to have yourself checked out by a doctor. Here are some common causes for post-sex spotting:
Cervical polyps or precancerous changes to cervical cells.
Both cause the cervix to become more sensitive, so if your partner’s penis comes in contact with your cervix during intercourse, it may aggravate the area and result in bleeding. The cervix changes its position in the body, which is why you may bleed on some occasions and not others.
A yeast or bacterial infection.
These infections can cause changes to vaginal tissues that result in bleeding.
A sexually transmitted disease.
An STD, such as gonorrhea or chlamydia, may behave like a vaginal infection and can cause bleeding.
Uterine polyps or fibroids.
Both are typically benign growths that occur inside the uterus and can bleed as a result of friction during intercourse.
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Are you waiting for a soul mate? Dating with a mission to find true love? If so, you’re not alone. A survey by the Rutgers University Marriage Project found that 94 percent of 20- to 29-year-olds believe that finding a soul mate is the most important thing when it comes to marriage.
However, believing in the idea of soul mates does not necessarily mean that there is only one person for you.
In fact, everyone’s definition of a soul mate is different. Maybe yours was a boyfriend from the past who is still with you in spirit today or someone who gave your life meaning in a way that was lasting, even if the relationship was not.
Soul mates are people who change your life and the way you live it going forward. They fulfill a need for connection, which may be different at various times in your life. It’s also important to remember that soul mates are not limited to romantic relationships. They can be a friend or family member — anyone with whom you feel an unexplained connection or sense of completeness.
By waiting for a person who feels right — one you have a deep spiritual and sexual connection with — you give love the best chance of all. But it’s equally as important to celebrate all your relationships for what they’ve taught you and what they still have to teach you. Remember to enjoy the journey.
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If sex is leaving you with a case of the blahs, it’s time to get sensate. Sensate focus is a series of specific exercises for couples which encourages each partner to take turns paying increased attention to their own senses. The techniques involved in sensate focus can bring back those tingles and restore the novelty in your sex life, no matter how long you’ve been together. You will heighten your awareness of each other’s bodies by slowing down and discovering new kinds of touch.
To make the most of sensate focus, you should set aside at least an hour of time with no fear of interruption. Make your bedroom warm and relaxing. There should be no talking, since you’ll want to focus on enjoying the physical sensations you are feeling. Here’s what to do:
1. Explore touching and stroking each other’s bodies — but the breasts and genitals are off-limits. Explore your partner’s body for 20 minutes, then switch places.
2. Spend another 20 minutes each massaging each other, but this time include the breasts and genitals. The goal is not arousal — but no worries if it happens!
3. Now try touching and exploring each other’s bodies at the same time. Devote a full 20 minutes to this. Again, the focus is not on arousal, but on what feels good while touching and being touched.
4. If you feel inclined (and odds are you will!), move on to having intercourse with a continuing focus on the sensations and connections of the moment.
Try sensate focus whenever you feel that your sex life is becoming routine. It’ll put you back in touch with the most basic sensations, and give your sex life a much-needed jolt of excitement!
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Whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, there comes a point when it’s time to move on from a former partner. It’s healthy. It’s mature. And it can be extremely difficult.
Getting rid of an ex is a physical and mental undertaking. Once you’ve given yourself some time to grieve (or to feel anger or self-pity or whatever it may be), it’s time to pull yourself up like the goddess that you are! Here’s how: First and foremost, stop talking about him — whether it’s good or bad. Telling your friends about all the nasty things he did may be entertaining now that you’re no longer invested in him, but it keeps you running in mental circles. The same goes for talking about all his wonderful qualities. The reality is that it didn’t work out; the answer to “why not?” will likely come with time, not through marathon analysis sessions with your friends.
Be sure to also have a distraction handy for when you do find yourself privately obsessing about him: Find an engrossing (and upbeat) novel. Start doing crossword puzzles. Become an expert at the games on your cell phone. Don’t be afraid to (literally) tell yourself “stop” when thoughts of your ex start taking over. Finally, get back out there, even if it doesn’t feel right. Soon enough those perennial feelings of attraction will bubble to the surface with a new love interest. Promise!
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Men are visual creatures — their sex drive is fueled by the sight of sexy lingerie, luscious locks, and a great pair of legs, to name a few. They’re also hands-on; they like to learn by doing. You can make the most of this combination, and drive him wild, by masturbating for him. It can be a powerful experience that intensifies your connection. He gets turned on by watching you, and in the process he learns what turns you on.
Of course, masturbating for a partner takes confidence and pluck. For most women, masturbation is an activity that’s reserved for a time alone, under the sheets, when no other human being is within a ten-mile radius. You don’t even want to talk about it, so you surely don’t want to do it in front of somebody else!
Self-pleasuring, however, is a great activity for taking your sexual experiences to the next level. It’s hot, hot, hot for him, and it allows you to take things at your own pace.
If you need to ease into the idea, try doing it by yourself first with the lights on, or even in front of a mirror. Then surprise him — you won’t regret it!
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Whether it was love at first sight or the slow simmer of friendship into true love, the early days of your relationship hold the key to your present-day intimacy. Spending some time remembering why you first fell in love is a good way to restore some perspective (and spark) to your relationship.
Start by revisiting some of your mementos — if you’re like most women, you’ve probably saved letters or cards from those first holidays and special occasions together. Rereading them will get you back to the state of mind you were in when everything was new and exciting. If you have a journal from those early days together, dust it off and spend an afternoon reading it. Old photographs work, too, for conjuring up memories and surprising yourself with moments and little nuances you had long forgotten.
You can keep your discoveries to yourself as a source of private appreciation, or you can share them with your partner. Sometimes it’s fun to reminisce together and reweave the bonds of affection that connected you in the first place. Remember the time we did this…? Or the moment we both knew it was right…?
Ultimately, remembering why you fell in love reminds you that you’re still in love.
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We all need to pay the bills, but there’s a line between working to live and living to work. Too often, success at the office comes at the expense of emotional intimacy at home.
Working too much or too hard can be a very good excuse for avoiding real intimacy — and it’s an excuse that’s hard to challenge if the worker is riding the wave of success or meeting the demands of supporting a family. Excess time at the office could also be a symptom of workaholism, in which someone becomes dependent on his or her work to define who they are. Many workaholics truly believe that their professional lives are the key to their self-worth and the best way to show those close to them that they care. They don’t understand that their success at work can’t make up for the loneliness their partners feel.
To make matters worse, work these days extends well beyond office hours, so that even when an overworked partner is home you may not have his attention. A recent British study found that “infomania” — an addiction to e-mails, text messages, and the like — produces a ten-point drop in IQ! Those who constantly stop what they’re doing to check an e-mail or return a call experience the equivalent of a poor night’s sleep. Bringing that distracted state home from work only compounds the problem of lost intimacy.
If you find yourself constantly craving more of your partner’s attention, let him know that quality time, not money, is important to you. And make sure you check your own expectations, too. Are you making lifestyle demands that pressure your partner into working too much? Is there a deeper problem in your relationship that’s causing your partner to choose work over home? Exploring your priorities — yours and his — with a therapist can help.
In the end, the balance you strike between work and life is a choice. And no one wants to feel as though their partner was having a love affair with work instead of them.
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