Whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, there comes a point when it’s time to move on from a former partner. It’s healthy. It’s mature. And it can be extremely difficult.

Getting rid of an ex is a physical and mental undertaking. Once you’ve given yourself some time to grieve (or to feel anger or self-pity or whatever it may be), it’s time to pull yourself up like the goddess that you are! Here’s how: First and foremost, stop talking about him — whether it’s good or bad. Telling your friends about all the nasty things he did may be entertaining now that you’re no longer invested in him, but it keeps you running in mental circles. The same goes for talking about all his wonderful qualities. The reality is that it didn’t work out; the answer to “why not?” will likely come with time, not through marathon analysis sessions with your friends.

Be sure to also have a distraction handy for when you do find yourself privately obsessing about him: Find an engrossing (and upbeat) novel. Start doing crossword puzzles. Become an expert at the games on your cell phone. Don’t be afraid to (literally) tell yourself “stop” when thoughts of your ex start taking over. Finally, get back out there, even if it doesn’t feel right. Soon enough those perennial feelings of attraction will bubble to the surface with a new love interest. Promise!